I thought about the first night after Evan was born. We had found out that day that he had Down Syndrome. We had no clue what that meant except that our perfect little baby that we had dreamed of wasn’t who we thought he was going to be. I was in a room on the maternity floor by myself. Harold had gone home for the night, exhausted. As I lay in that bed, I didn’t know what to pray or think or feel. Almost reflexively I started to sing worship songs to God. It seemed as though there was nothing else I could do. As I poured my emotions out in worship, God was faithful to comfort me and give me peace. Over the next difficult months I would remember that night and return to that place of worship to make it through the hard times.

I also thought about when I had heard that my favorite uncle had killed himself. My mom called early in the morning (never a good sign) to tell me the news. I was stunned, sure she had the wrong uncle. He was the last person you would think would do that, as is often sadly the case. He was the one who had always been there for me, the one who had welcomed Evan’s birth with open arms and became one of Evan’s best buddies. At his funeral I met a friend of his who was a retired special ed. teacher. She told me how my uncle would call her to find out info on therapies and other things related to Down Syndrome. How could he be dead? How could we have not known? For weeks, I was a wreak and again turned to worship. God again was faithful to come to me and help me process the heartache.

In the middle of the hard times, when we don’t understand what is going on in our lives, there comes a time when we just need to acknowledge that we are not in control of life. The Creator of the Universe is in control and He loves us more than we can ever imagine. Below are some verses I have found particularly comforting in my difficult times.

Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the

procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.

 

Lamentations 3:17-26

I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is.

So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord."

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion’s never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Now I have to do the thing I hate and am not at all good at…wait. Sigh. I almost wish I didn’t know it was coming. I check the Dell site every day to see if it has shipped yet. I don’t think I’ve eagerly anticipated any present this much since I was convinced my dad was going to get me a car for my 17th birthday.

Evan is getting my desktop computer so he is also eagerly awaiting my laptop. Neither of us is very patient. Poor Harold. Poor, poor Harold! Fortunately he is patient and can put up with us.

Here is a picture of what my laptop will look like just in case you are curious. It’s my favorite color.

I think I’ll go check the Dell site again…

and

“Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who rely on horses, who trust in the multitude of their chariots and in the great strength of their horsemen, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel, or seek help from the Lord.” Is. 30:1

I spoke on this subject a week or so ago, but I feel compelled to come back to it briefly. Our responsibility as Christians who live in America is to use the tools God has given us: prayer, the Bible, wisdom, to help know whom He wants us to vote for as President or for any other elected office.

A good way to help discern which candidate to vote for is to perform a simple litmus test doing two things. First, find out what the candidates have voted for if they have held office previously. Not what they have said in a lowery speech or promised in an interview, but what they really have supported through their actions. Second, compare that to the values given us in the Bible. How does it stack up? Which candidate more closely follows what God says?

I will point out here that a candidate who is not a Christian may more closely follow biblical principles in their politics than one who says they are Christian. Many people will automatically vote for someone who proclaims their Christianity without examining that person’s political actions. Would you buy a house based solely on what the outside looked like or would you make sure to examine the interior and check the foundation? To go strictly by appearances is foolish.

I first voted when I was 18 years old and the Vietnam war was still going. Now I am 50 and have lived through a lot of elections, people! I’ve seen ‘em come & go, promises made & broken, promised made & kept, wars ended and wars begun.

Through all this I have come to believe that God will hold us responsible for who we back as our country’s “king”. Because of this, I do my best to not vote lightly, not vote my emotions or vote my party. I do my best to try to hear from God on what to do and sometimes He has surprised me! 

So this political season, do the hard thing. Dig deeper. Do your research. Don’t be moved by speeches or promises from either side. Refuse to be impressed by what appears to be a show of strength. Examine the candidates. Pray and ask God for wisdom. Most of all, be open to what God may say to you, even if it goes against your party leanings. And finally,

Check the foundation!

The Atlantic has an interesting article about how Google may be destroying our brain cells.

I subscribe to Bob Kauflin’s Worship Matters blog. He has a good article up on Spontaneous & Prophetic Songs. Bob is the Director of Worship Development for Sovereign Grace Ministries. Their music is always wonderful and Biblically based.

I’ve recently discovered the e-zine Reformation 21. It has lots of good articles from a variety of Christian perspectives. One of their bloggers, Joe Holland, has a great article up on rediscovering the Psalms.

If you are a research junkie like me, you many enjoy LibrarySpot.com. Their mission is “to break through the information overload of the Web and bring the best library and reference sites together with insightful editorial in one user-friendly spot.” Plus it’s a heck of a lot of fun!

Another great resource spot is RefCheck.com which touts itself as the “Fact Checker for the Internet.” I could spend all day on this site wasting time but feeling justified about it because it’s educational.

Are you on Facebook yet? I am and rather than being the time sucker I thought it would be, I’ve found it a great way to keep in touch with friends near and far. I’m actually more in touch with friends in distant places and have refreshed some dusty relationships. It also helps remind forgetful me of birthdays! (I also Twitter a bit, but not very regularly.)

Have a good weekend and stay away from the tornadoes!

I was 8 years old in August, 1965, when the Watts Riots occurred in Los Angeles. My parents had good friends, Ben & Pearl, who lived in Watts at the time. A couple of days after the riots my parents & I went to Watts to help them clean up. I still remember how angry Ben was that his own people burned their neighborhood down. I also remember how sad he was that his ethnic group was still having to fight for their basic rights as Americans and how that rage had turned to self-destruction of a community. Seeing the still-smoking ruins of a neighborhood was shocking to me, but I had wonderful parents who explained how God loves everyone and how we can’t hate people because of the color of their skin. And, most importantly, they walked the talk! Even though I was young, they didn’t try to shield me from the realities of poverty, discrimination and hatred. (And I am grateful for those lessons learned early not only in Watts but on Navajo reservations and tiny villages in Mexico.)

I have also know older African-Americans who lived in the South and were not allowed to vote without literally risking their lives. I’ve listened to their stories and admired their bravery and wondered if I would have been as bold. So I was glad to see on Tuesday that our country has come so far in such a relatively short amount of time.

All that being said, The Constructive Curmudgeon has a great post on presidential politics and Obama in particular which I encourage you to read. It sums up a lot of what I think. While I applaud the nomination of an African-American, I cannot applaud the man’s politics or some of his moral judgements. (I will also say I’m not super-crazy about McCain but his views are more closely aligned to what I feel is important.)

We do have a responsibility as Christians to vote for the candidates who are most closely aligned to the moral absolutes God has given us. There may even be candidates who are not Christian in belief but whose ethics and morals line up with the Bible. And, as I feel the case is now, it’s really almost picking the lesser of two evils.

I encourage you to pray for Obama & his family’s safety during this time, and for him to draw closer to God. As much as I want change in this country, as much as I’m ready for something new and fresh, for me it unfortunately isn’t going to come from the Congressman from Illinois.

The first item was an article on msnbc.com titled “As food prices spiral, farmers, others profit” . Just the title alone irritated me. I’ve read/seen a few articles in the last couple of months about how farmers are making big bucks, inferring that they are profiting at the expense of others. If I still lived in Los Angeles I would probably be saying “Hey! That’s not fair!!” and getting all uppity about it. Fortunately I have had the privilege of living in a rural farming community for the last 17 years which has given me an entirely different perspective on things.

For instance, yes, farmers may be doing well this year but more often than not, family farming isn’t a money-making venture. If you know anything about growing things, you also know that you are always at the mercy of the elements. What looks like a great crop in May can be devastated by any number of events in June, ruining the entire growing season. So I say “God bless the farmers” and I’m glad they are seeing some good profit this year. Hopefully it will make up for the years when they have lost money or barely broke even.

In my region there has been so much rain that the corn farmers are in danger of losing their crops, as the ground is too wet for the corn to grow properly. Once you have prepped the ground & planted corn, it’s too late to plant something else, like soybeans. You’re just out of luck. So the farmers here may not end up doing so hot this year.

If you are a city person who is unlearned in the ways of farming, just be glad that some family in the Midwest can pay off their bills from the previous years when they fed you and didn’t make a profit from it. (Yes, I know about subsidies and, yes, I know about corporate farms. But I’m talking about the independent family farmer here.)

The other item that got my attention was a piece on NBC the other night that talked about how we are all suffering because we can’t afford to buy (insert pricey grocery item here). Many of us have become incredibly spoiled and lost all perspective when it comes to “wants” and “needs”. We have even raised our kids to think that “wants” are “needs”. Well, hello reality check!

I wonder if we would be so cranky about having to “do without” if we had been through the Depression? My parents aren’t complaining much about the economy. They’re just adjusting like they’ve had to do before in their lifetime. Of course, because they went through the Depression, they have been more wise with their finances than we Baby Boomers. Their generation, generally speaking, has not taken the time of plenty for granted.

Ecclesiastes speaks eloquently about the seasons of life. In Chapter 11, Solomon says:

“Divide your investments among many places for you do not know what risks might lie ahead…Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don’t know if profit will come from one activity or another-or maybe both.”

I know there are people who are genuinely in need. CNN reported last night that visits to food banks are up 55% in the last few months and that a lot of those visitors are first-timers. I do believe, however, that we may have lost perspective on what we “need” to get along. Is it important to buy name-brand chips instead of store brand? Why do we feel deprived when we have to conserve our resources? Can we just acknowledge that there are economic seasons of life and we are currently in a tough time that will likely pass in a year or two?

There is an interesting article on The Art of Manliness blog about sacrifice that points out what Americans were willing to go through during WWII to help their nation. A quote from President Roosevelt really resonated with me:

Here at home everyone will have the privilege of making whatever self-denial is necessary, not only to supply our fighting men, but to keep the economic structure of our country fortified and secure during the war and after the war. This will require, of course, the abandonment not only of luxuries but of many other creature comforts….

I encourage you to read that post. It really helps put things into perspective for the sacrifices we must make during this time of war and of economic downturn.

As Christians, we have the assurance that God is the one who supplies what we need when we need it. All that we have was put into our hands because of His grace and provision towards us.

My goal is to complain less about cost of living and concentrate more on the many blessings that already are in my life. I also want to look more outside my four walls and ask God where to plant my seed so that it will do the most good.  There is always someone worse off and perhaps I can be of service to them instead of being a discouragement to myself.

1. Crime & Punishment by F. Dostoevsky
2. The Idiot by F. Dostoevsky
3. A Raisin In The Sun by Lorraine Hansberry
4. Bryson’s Dictionary for Writers & Editors by Bill Bryson
5. From Brokeness to Community by Jean Vanier
6. Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World by Henri Nouwen
7. Addicted to Mediocrity: Contemporary Christians & the Arts by Franky Schaeffer
8. Art & the Bible by Francis Schaeffer
9. Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations by Alex Harris & Brett Harris

Books 1-3 are ones I’d like my class to read next year. I’m trying to decide which Dostoevsky to give them so I’m reading both. I might also give them one book from 7 – 9 so will have to read all to pick one. Books 4-6 are for my personal enjoyment.

So how am I going to do all this? Well, the ones for my class I will try to read during the day at work because teaching the class is part of my job, so I get to read. Maybe. If things aren’t too busy. Hopefully. I’m currently reading 25 pages a day of Crime & Punishment which will get me through it in a month. I can easily read 100 pages a day (or should I say a night?) so I can fit some of the other books in there. For instance, numbers 5 through 8 are less than 125 pages each so they should be a snap.

One other way I’ll get through this list is canceling 3 of my magazine subscriptions. I am cutting out The New Yorker, The New Republic and The Smithsonian. Oh, but I did just subscribe to Poets & Writers but still I’m down by two!

I’m also finding T.V. to be an even vaster wasteland than usual so am planning on spending less time on it.

What are you planning on reading this summer? Do tell!

The picture on the left was taken last month. That’s Evan with his good friend, Matt. They were just hangin’ out in Evan’s room jamming on guitars & drums. I think the look on Evan’s face (and Matt’s) says it all. Life has slowly returned to (nearly) normal in our household and in Evan’s life. His physical strength has returned and his stamina gets better week by week. In June he will begin a 2-month program where he will be part of a work crew in the mornings and do a fun activity in the afternoon. This will stretch him but we think he’s up for the challenge. 

God has certainly been good to us. That made this Mother’s Day especially sweet and precious. My son has come so far and we have seen God do so much for him and for us. And I must say, it is wonderful indeed to be looking back on that battle rather than going through it! Let me echo my last post in reiterating that the battle doesn’t last forever, even if it seems like it will! God’s mercies are new every morning and his grace is never ending.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Later that day a short woman in scrubs came into my room. Here was the mom, the mom I didn’t want to talk to. She, of course, knew exactly what I was thinking & feeling. Settling onto the edge of my bed, she told Harold & me about her son, not just medical facts, but about her son. She told us what his favorite activities were, what he thought of school, what his friends were like, and how much he loved to talk on the phone.

By the end of, well, I can’t call it a conversation because I wouldn’t talk to her, but when she was done gently opening a door for us so we could glimpse her son’s life and our son’s future; she gave us a gift that we still use today. It didn’t come in a box, there wasn’t wrapping paper to tear open and no bag to peek inside. What she gave us was permission. Permission to hope.

There have been many times since then that we have had to remind ourselves that indeed there is reason to hope. When people or society has told us Evan wouldn’t do this or that, a glimmer of hope would shine. “That’s right!” we’d say. “We forgot that it is okay to hope! Maybe he really can learn to walk. To talk. To read. To even cook someday.” Things are rarely as dire as I imagine them to be. Hope, as they say, shines eternal.

Because of our faith in Christ and his resurrection, hope is our inheritance. No matter what this life holds, be it good or bad, at the end of our days we get to leave this place and go to be with God, where there are no more tears, pain, or Down Syndrome.

If you feel like all hope is lost, let me officially give you permission to hope. As long as you have breath, you can call out to the One who created hope. He will come and help, if you ask him to, I promise. Ecclesiastes 9:4 (humorously) says: “Anyone who is among the living has hope—even a live dog is better off than a dead lion.” On a more serious note Jeremiah 20:11 promises “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (Romans 12:12 NIV)

The other event was the grand finale of Rock of Love 2 where aging rock star Brett Michaels picks the chick who will be his one true “Rock of Love”. (This out of a gaggle of 20 women of questionable values who fought for his attention.) Obviously it didn’t work out for Brett the first time around on ROL 1! “When at first you don’t succeed” I guess.

It was overwhelming in it’s ickyness factor. I’m not just saying that because I’m a Christian. I’m very certain the previous me would have felt the same way, and I was an L. A. rocker chick. I did have some sense of values though, however minimal. And trying to out-skank a bunch of other girls for one (old) guy with a hair weave was not what I would have considered cool!

What the heck does all this say about our culture? It is so schizophrenic. We’re intellectual. No wait, we’re debauched. No,no, intellectual.  Uh, uh, can’t we be both? Such is the fruit that the 60s has produced in America. (Well actually the Enlightenment had a lot to do with it also!) It reminds me of something I saw on Discovery Channel a couple of weeks ago. A young man who worked in a business environment and wore a suit to work everyday had a very different “suit” under his clothes. His body was covered with tattoos with the exception of his face, neck, hands & feet. He explained how great it was that he could be one person at work and another “wilder” person away from work. He could live both of the lifestyles he wanted.

King Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 6:7 “All people spend their lives scratching for food, but they never seem to have enough.” (NLT) It seems that this is true of the hunger for power or for love or acceptance. No amount can ever satisfy us. Whoever ultimately wins the White House will never be fulfilled unless their life is given to God. Whoever ends up with Brett Michaels, and he himself, will never feel truly loved until they fall in love the only true Rock Of Love, the God who created them. True acceptance ultimately doesn’t come from within or from society but from becoming a part of God’s family because that is where we all really belong.

This week I think I’ll poke around inside my heart to see what areas I’m trying to satisfy with worldly ambitions and desires. I’m sure there’s some and if I ask my Rock to show me, I know He will. King Solomon also said “Look straight ahead & fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; then stick to the path & stay safe. Don’t get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil .” (Prov. 4:25-27 NLT) And that is what I will endeavor to do.